May 25, 2010
God,
I need your help, as always, once again and unless I die in the next ten minutes, this won’t be the last time. So, as you know I had a garage sale two weekends ago. I made sixty seven dollars. Which isn’t great, but hey it’s something. Well, as I was sitting there with no customers I had this bright idea to bring down all of my stockpiled razors and contact solution. The next customer who came by snatched all of them up and took down my number to call me when I got more. So, these past two weeks I have become a little on the obsessive side with couponing again. Of course at the neglect of the house and more importantly my kids. I’m tired of feeling like a failure as a mother and wife. I know how to change, kind of, and I have tried it, I mean I made my cards and I’m trying to do them, but I still feel so behind. I feel like I’m not good at anything tangible. I know it’s really selfish to say this, but I want to be good at something that other people can measure. So, there I said it, the fear of man and the desire to have their praise is still alive and well in my heart. I want to kill it. I want it gone. I don’t want to care what they think about me. I only want to care what You think about me. But there’s this part of me that wants to be successful, well off, wealthy, liked, and popular. There’s this other part of me that wants to be, patient, kind, not rude, not self seeking, gentle, non judgmental, and content. I feel like these two parts of me are constantly at war. I can say and type all day long that I just want to be like You and I want You to live through me…. And those sayings are all fine and good. But, if they were really true, then I would do something about it. And that’s where I need your help. I believe those things in my mind but not in my heart. If I truly believed them in my heart, I believe I would do them, consistently. How do I stop caring so much about money, success, and ultimately how I am viewed by others. I crave their positive comments about my achievements. How do I stop craving that?
For example, with coupons, I want them to think I am a good home economist and that I manage our finances well. I want them to think that I am a savvy shopper and the best bargain hunter they know. I want them to think that I not only know how to stay within a budget but I do it! Which we all know is a farce, because I don’t stay within the 400 dollar budget, ever.
When I used to play volleyball and basketball I stayed before and after practice to get good. And I wanted to be really good, so I practiced, a lot. But, at both of those sports no matter how hard I practiced I was still never the best. There was always someone who was better than me. And for all of the hard work and practice that I put into those two sports, I never once received something tangible (e.g. a college scholarship). Actually, upon rereading this I did receive a plaque for winning female athlete of the year my senior year. That plaque has dust on it in the closet somewhere. I know that instead, I received life lessons and immeasureable rewards that are still useful today. Although I can’t tell You what they are… but I’m sure that I received them…at some point. So, I guess I’m feeling a little of the same frustration now. My practice in motherhood and wifehood is the emotional equivalent of running ten suicides back to back. I feel tired, out of breath, and like I’m about to pass out at any moment. But I guess if those two sports taught me one thing, it’s that quitters never win. I know that no matter what, I won’t quit. So, with that being said, I guess I’m going to get my lazy ass off the couch and clean the house. Thanks for the pep talk :)
One final thought,
If you can hold it, if you can feel it, your reward for achieving, then the trophy you earned will be constantly misleading.
The prize for the work that you self righteously earn will sit on your shelf and cause your heart to burn
With lust and envy and strife for more so that you can earn more accolades like those earned before.
If you can’t hold it, if you can’t feel it, then your reward for achieving will consistently and forever have a much deeper meaning.
Whatever the prize for your accomplishment is due desire the one that does not praise you. Instead let your heart be set on the Lord who gave you the gift to earn such a reward.
He will do the praising when your time is due so stop and ask Him what He wants from you.
His answer will probably most likely be, listen, love, and follow Me.
Love you Dad
Tammy
